Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
