have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
