I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
