I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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