Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
