so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
