I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize