please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize