Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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