your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
