i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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