Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
