i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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