If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
