WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize