I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
