the condom got lost in my hair
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
