If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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