I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize