i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
