I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
