When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
