I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
