I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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