I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
