So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize