So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
