My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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