I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
