i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
