and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
