I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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