No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
