I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize