btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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