Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
