if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
