and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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