My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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