as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
