Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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