she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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