Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
