IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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