remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
