She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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