I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
