you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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