i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm getting married
To pizza
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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