Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
