I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
