i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
