i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
