It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I look better un-naked...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
