You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
