took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
