I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
