if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
