His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
