theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
