this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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