i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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