allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
This baby is an asshole
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
