he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
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