Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize